I don’t want to call this piece ‘sometimes’ but I don’t see another option

Sometimes I stick my hands in the freezer to see how quickly they numb. It doesn’t take long because I have bad circulation. My heart will take any old excuse to put in less effort for my extremities. 

Sometimes I screenshot the texts you send me and I don’t think you knew that. Only the good ones though. 

I always save your pitctures and I wonder if you do the same with mine. But, I won’t ask.

Sometimes I stand on the balcony with my toes off the edge, there isn’t a balustrade in sight so it’s kinda risky. I guess if the wind blew a little too hard I would most likely fall but that’s okay.

On second thought I was raised with impeccable balance, so perhaps I’d be just fine. 

Sometimes I climb ladders without using my hands and I don’t know if that’s a skill to be proud of or not. I’ve not yet fallen so at least I’ve mastered it.

A lot of the time I think about going home ’cause I’ve convinced myself I’m just vacationing.

Sometimes I think about what it is to die or, alternatively, fall through space forever. I think about God a lot these days. I think about the time I spent departed and how I’m not sure why that happened but it probably has something to do with the people I surrounded myself with. And my parents. Thankfully you’re allowed to oppose their beliefs, it just takes the knowledge of that to do it. It also takes people who believe in more than whatever this is to show you it’s okay to believe in more than whatever this is because sometimes it feels like it isn’t. 

Sometimes I lay out beneath the stars and count them. Sometimes I get an ocular migraine. Sometimes I fall asleep. 

Most of the time I am myself to the nth degree. Most only I am an exaggerated version of myself when I’m at work because a plastered on smile and cleverly inserted giggle sells more than a conversation about literature or ancient Egypt. I guess that speaks volumes for the fashion industry but I still prefer literature and ancient Egypt. 

Sometimes I sleep with clothes on but only really when I have to. Sometimes I don’t sleep for days on end and occasionally I sleep with no waking minutes to be found, haphazardly skipping days on the calendar.  

I always sleep with my phone just a little too close ’cause time zones make me want to do that.

Sometimes I cycle avidly but mostly I do yoga.

Sometimes I’m all woman. Tight skirts and sheer shirts, belted and undergarments couldn’t be more decadent. Heels higher than heaven. Lips redder than the sole of a Louboutin. Expensive looking. Sometimes I look like a boy and I like the juxtaposition. It’s all about freedom and fluidity.  

Sometimes I have nightmares that feel more like reality than reality. This is where I wake in a panicked frenzy and I’m not sure if I was ever asleep to begin with. Sometimes I dream of conversations that never occurred and get confused when you don’t remember them. Sometimes I have to check if I said that or sent this

Sometimes I hate what the mirror taunts me with. My reflection looks bloated and waxy. Too much hair here, not enough there. My skin looks rough and dull like oxidised metal, my eyes bloodshot and dazed like an old, tired Prussian blue. 

Sometimes I think I should write under an alias. Sometimes I think fuck it, 

fuck the sexism, 

fuck you

I’ll still probably do what you tell me. 

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