12:48am

Finished work an hour late and sauntered on down to the bar where my tender’s name this evening is Ben, or Benny if you want the heaters switched on outside. Didn’t order my beverage of choice, had it served and my card swiped.

Dropping a short straw –I always get the short straw— in my rum and coke Ben said, “there you go, darlin’
I smiled and tucked my hair behind my ears, “thank you, Benny

Took up seat opposite my best friend and had a cigarette bummed off me by some English guy who asked for my number but didn’t get it.
I was on another planet all day. I am on another planet now. I’m tired and dissatisfied but my drinks top notch.

After a couple of hours talking utter shit and being intermittently offensive we decided to call it a night. Dragging my suitcase station bound I listened to wild stories punched from the throat of my barely-five-foot tall best fiend, she’s got more guts than almost all the men I know smashed together in some kind of fleshy, jelly ball. She’s everything I wanted to be when I was growing up, and then some.

By eleven I was on my way to my sister’s house and at 11:43 I sent a message that read:

I always wish I knew just what to say, I wish we could talk more,  I wish we lived in the same place, I wish we could read to each other, I wish we could sing together (even though I’m a bad singer), and I always wish we could share dinner and a film. I wish I had you.

But what I wanted to say was:

I always wish I knew just what to say because I want you to love me in the way that I love you. I wish we could talk more because I want to talk with you until I know all your shitty stories and heartbreaks and fears and greatest passions. I wish we lived in the same place so I never had to tell you that I miss you. I wish we could read to each other and share all our favourite tales by all our favourite authors. I wish we could sing together because I am not afraid to give you all of me. And I wish we could always share dinner and a film because no man has ever gone with me, I must have been waiting my whole life for a man like you to share simple pleasures such as these.

I wish… I had you to keep and to hold and to be whole with.

By 11:56 I was thinking maybe I shouldn’t have sent that and by 12:19 I was writing about it and realising you’d already read my text.

At 12:48 I published this piece you might never read.

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