Are you testing me?

I’ve been watching a tonne of sappy flicks
reading libraries of love stories
listening to tender tunes
lately and
every silhouetted kiss breaks my heart a fraction
each perfectly curled lock of golden hair
falling around the face of lovers
reminds me that I am
in my single bed
drowning in quilts and cushions
treading the cottony waters, gulping for air
reaching for a hand that is not there
I’m not even sure it ever will be, anymore

All my joints are popping out of their sockets
my teeth keep falling from my mouth
and I constantly push them back
into their pink, fleshy homes
but they’re so resistant now
I thought all the blood would ease their repositioning
but it’s just making everything hard to grip
difficult to see
I noticed my eyes growing lazy
and I can’t tell if my eyelids are too loose or
too tight
or whether it’s just my eyeballs shrinking or expanding
or maybe it’s my optic nerve flipping and un-flipping images
to confuse me

Is it a heart?
Is it a knife?
Is it love or hate,
adoration or disgust,
merely lustful or
deep seated honest need?

I know the answer
but the signals don’t align

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