They say to love another you must first love yourself, I always seem to be disagreeing with ‘they’

Fuck it, I’m no real fan of myself
I’ll be the first to admit
the extensive encyclopaedic nature of
all my flaws

The sun goes into hiding whenever I try to bathe
in its glorious rays, push a little colour into my cheeks
and the full moon loves me
nurtures me and fills me full of subtle light
Gives me glowworm glow and retains my parchment pale complexion

I mistrust far too frequently
so I have shut down part of my operating system
overrode the administrator with a simple set of complex passwords
Whoever coded me was subpar
had no real qualifications or natural skill
lied on their resume
mistreated the language and it has bitten me
vile teeth gnawing at my very bones

Waking to bruises and abrasions
Cardinal, dusky, sallow hues veiling
my pale gold skin

One….
Two….
Thirty-six….
Eighty-four marks disguising and obscuring my limbs

Doors left best locked
stand unhinged beside their frames
Their dulling bronze dressings
lay beside
staring up and belching their tinny cackles at my dismay

All my corridors are lined with faded wallpaper
peeling and bubbling
revealing secrets and anecdotes
ugly and opaque
Methylated spirits and turpentine
scrub them until my head is light with fumes
until my fingernails turn to paper and bend in the breeze
they refuse to lack lustre

I scream of baggage and broken things
I spill tears a plenty
my very cheeks are stained
you can see my ball joints
and the hinge on my jaw, it’s beginning to rust
hear the creak in my voice as I speak sentences
so vividly planned out
for fear of being misspoken and misinterpreted
misunderstood
mistaken
misliked, even

Not that I am a girl heard

in any case

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