One way mirror or full frontal assault?

Part of me wants to shine a torch into your eyes

so I can watch you squint and
I know you can’t see me but I can see you in all your everything

Like a one way mirror

Where I can watch you pose to find your best angles, then furrow your brow and cringe at your imperfections
while I revel in every scar, age line and grey hair on your head

But you can’t see the hair I need to wax on my upper lip or that my eyebrows need plucking
you can’t see my ever increasing cellulite or the shitty anchor I have tattooed on my waist
blind to my black under eyes and that one left upper lateral tooth that’s too far up so when my lips are parted it looks like I’m missing a vital part of me

I don’t want to live without you seeing my whole shitty self but I’m kind of dreading the day you do

because I have these moments I like to call

‘fuck it seconds’

Where I imagine throwing myself into that oncoming car
or climbing the lighthouse and stepping off the edge after dark when it’s red beacon is glinting
or pulling that stranger who’s about to pass me by into the deepest kiss I’ve ever given
or pulling out my pocket knife and….

But they’re all mere fleeting seconds that will never come to fruition

I’m just scared to peel back my skin because I know it’ll sting
and you might throw a handful of salt into the wound
I’m already hurting and broken
Then I can’t just zip my people-suit back up because it’s a one way ticket

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