Is it some life threatening agony to have no emotional field?

I have always wanted to know what it feels like to feel nothing at all

I imagine it to be deafeningly silent
and excruciatingly painful
Completely crippling like a truth you cannot swallow

I’m certain it would be worse than a hollow point to the cranium, bouncing around inside your skull and turning your grey matter into grey matter 

a string of razor blades slicing at the oesophagus as you wheeze and simper

or blunt knife to the gut twisted to elevate the suffering and eleviate all preconceived notions of hope

I can feel my house breathing even when I’m holding my own breath
It’s like I am begging for a sympathetic response
but the walls keep expanding and retracting and I am getting more frustrated by the minute

I have never quite been able to put my finger on my own pulse
It is as though my heartbeat eludes me, keeps trying to convince me I’m not actually living at all
just going through the motions, like I am anchored in some nightmare where everyone just looks through me
fundamentally, I am just a ghost


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