And if I had a penny

For years I thought I loved you. Tricked myself, deliberately mistook my feelings. I should have listened to my gut after the first weekend we spent alone, it was whispering avoidance and distrust. Telling me no but I wanted so badly to be wanted.. and you wanted me.

We quickly spent too much time together, I spent the rest of my teenage years and the beginning of my adulthood thinking this was forever. I thought my forever was bound with restrictions and following someone else’s path. Ne’er forging my own, creating a world within this world where my soul is set free and love bundles me up tight, kissing my face each night.

You hurt me, it was more than hurt, I hope you know that.
                     I think you’re pretty well aware, and then I broke your heart —didn’t I?

You ctl+z’d the laces of my confidence and taught me that I was worth very little. I did everything for you because I thought struggling against the current for your happiness despite my UNhappiness was what would wring the damp from my sponge heart and stop the mould from spreading.

If I had a penny for every moment I had cried because I thought YOU deserved better than ME plus every moment I had wept rivers because YOU gave nothing back I would be a rich woman clothed in fine silks, expensive velvet and countless jewels. Instead I found mothballs and dust bunnies flitting through my empty veins and barely enough cash in my account for groceries.

I am queen of my own happiness now, I cleaned my kingdom like there was no tomorrow. Scrubbed my lungs clean of your air with methylated spirits and sage’d my soul pure of your filth. I am ready to begin again. I have begun again. Watch me flit, float, fly..

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