Tonight I walk slow and somber down the roads I grew to know all too well in my youth. I could walk these streets blindfolded with no hesitations, but I won’t. It’s so dark tonight. Darker than I ever remember but the stars are bright and soulful.
In the silence I sob. Depression lingers over this labyrinth. I am strong enough now to fight off it’s terrible grip… I hope. No, I have to be.
I have never in my life felt as alone as in this moment. I cannot believe the loneliness I feel. How can anyone be happy in this place? The air is thick with chill, I can hear the oceans tidal noise. Watching the sky I see flickering lights, that of an airplane, and literally every single piece of me yearns to be inside that metal death trap. I have never wanted more to fly away from here than now and if you’d let me I’d board a jet tomorrow and fall hopelessly into your arms knowing anywhere but here is my home though I’d like most for it to be with you.
My thoughts are electric. Buzzing through my brain and body. Every emotion strikes a cord so deep and guttural I can hear my heart breaking. That I am so far from my horizon yet so close I can nearly taste the syrup you’d lather my breakfast crepes in.
For just a moment I feel myself floating down the road. Cascading toward the cliff’s edge and ready to tumble on down. Nothing is stopping me from wading into the freezing cold sea and on to oblivion. Nothing but knowing I have you in my future, knowing I have success in my future and knowing I have capabilities to control my happiness just around the next bend. But bend my path does, on and on, spiralling and I’m trying to straighten it out. I’m trying so hard, won’t you help me?
It’s time to wander back to the house, back through the dark I used to fear so much but for what? Back to an empty bed in a dusty bedroom. It’s hard to swallow the pill of knowing this is the best place for me right now. All I have to do is ride out the next twelve months. Just have to make it until I can leave this place for good and I will.
I found an old notebook of mine and remembered I used to write in it when we first met. All the pages have long since been torn and probably burnt. The cover reads ‘you will have every kind of kiss, in every kind of way, in every possible place when we are together‘ and I distinctly remember stamping it with such intention. I laughed quietly to myself when I uncovered it, thought it were ironic that my childish scrawl rang any true meaning in this present time. Isn’t it hysterical how the past plays such games with the future? I had such emotion then but it ain’t got nothin’ on the feelings I feel now. Anywhere but here is my home, so please, let it be with you.