You said “fuck everybody else” when I said no one seemed to care about what I had to say but you, when what I wanted to tell you was that I couldn’t bear opening up to another soul the way I can be so unequivocally myself with you –for some reason. That brief sentence made my insides smile. Made the whole world shut down around me for just a minute. Made me think that maybe, one day, it could just be you and I. That’s what I want, I am sure of it. No take-backsies or apologies.
Could I take you to my parent’s home in Ventnor? Introduce you and cringe with anticipation. They’d ask inappropriate questions, state really obvious things and I’d die a little inside. It would be funny to look back on but I’d be flush with anger at the time.
Shimmy down my local beach. Toes deep in the silken sand. Careful not to step in the seaweed, there could be an urchin lurking beneath the top layer waiting for your unsuspecting stride. Let the ocean water chase you as it pushes back and forth from the tide line, you can hear it stroking the sand. Sounds like fingers brushing ever so lightly the strings of a harp, the rods of a chime. Your laugh rings out and the breeze carries it to my ear, it’s almost tangible as it webs through my windblown hair.
Here is one of my favourite places, I grew up calling it ‘the crevasse’. In reality it’s just a big, red rock with a split in the middle, full of sand. It’s girth enough to lay a towel and cuddle up close. It’s depth enough to shelter us from the wind so we can watch the sea and talk, talk, talk.
I spent many a summertime day wasting away the time with my best friend here. We were only girls, dumb to the danger of man and free of emotional turmoil. Innocent and bronzed, kissed by the sun. My hair was natural in all it’s shades of blonde and thick with salt. We must have only been ten years old, splashing each other in the shallows and building castles. Pretending we had some great evil chasing us but we’d be safe because we had each other. Looking back I was always the weird one, must be the only thing that hasn’t changed between us.
Every boy that broke my heart a little visited the lookout near my childhood oasis, but none made the cut to the crevasse. It’s kind of sickening, the way I thought I deserved a boy to be. I had no self worth and no courage. Had no yellow brick road or chocolate factory. Had no idea that what I needed was a man, no mere boy.
I cannot re-write history but I can play out the future and script the present. I would not choose to change what has come to pass, not even the moments I thought I might die. For what will be, will be and if you say that something is so then it is. I have dealt with worse than tomorrow’s headache and surely, if I stretch my mind, I may remember feeling true happiness the way I am sure to feel it in the months to come.
If I had not come, saw and tried to conquer then I would not be the woman I hope you might hold dear, today. The crazy, twisted, loving lover that I have grown to be. And that.. my dear, that would be an awful shame.